But that's the adventure in life - the journey that the Lord has us on. One great big experiment after another. And we can have fun with it and make the most of it or not. . . which is usually what kills me the most. I find that I can let worry consume me like a monster. And I have really had to lean on the Lord for my strength in this journey. I saved an e-mail that I sent to my sister-in-law that, after reading, I wanted to share with the few people who follow this little blog.
"there are no guarantees in life. we both know that. no promises of easy. although our society likes to think that if you just take this pill or press that button - it'll make things all better. adoption has really been one of those things that has taught me and reminded me over and over again that this next step is not going to be anything what you expect. I am grateful for this experience. It continues to put me in a position to trust Christ and to let go of self-reliance. Again, not anything that I will master here on earth. It is also teaching me that I can't let my emotions run (or rather ruin) me - that I have to let the Spirit work because ultimately the Lord is in control - which brings me back to trusting in Him. And it's not always easy to be obedient to something you can not see or have words to describe. So, I feel like I am being worked and strengthened in my faith through these challenges - learning who and what to run to when things get tough (Jesus, prayer, the Word . . ). Sometimes it's not about praying to change our circumstances, as it is to change our hearts or our attitudes in the circumstances. He can't grow us and conform us to His image if we are always comfortable. I know that I will need a deep abiding faith in my Heavenly Father, an unswerving trust in Jesus, an unrelenting, repenting heart that only comes from the Spirit in order to be the imperfect parent and wife that I want to be.
Yes, we know that we have the option for interim care. We know that the only thing to compare to having her taken away from us in those 10 days would be death. But there a lot of things that go into this equation - including promptings from the Spirit that are leading us down this road. We know better than to ask for an easy way out of this. Only for His will to be done and for wisdom to trust in Him. I think it would be worse to miss out on the few hours or days that we would get with her. I mean, we are going to be at the hospital, taking care of her. We want to bring her home. We want her to know us from day 1 - no matter what happens. I know that if b-mom and b-dad decide to parent, they'll be heartbroken to take her away from us. It's just difficult all around for everyone involved. Someone is going to grieve somewhere along the way. Nothing is wasted - the Lord uses everything for His glory and our growth."
So, I thank Bindi for asking the questions that prompted me to think about those things. And I am grateful for our mentors who guide us and point us back to the Peace and Truth that is in Jesus Christ. Although, I do have moments where I can fall into a pity party and lose focus of the Cross, He picks me back up and we keep moving forward on this journey together.
Thank you for being a part of this journey with us.