A little off the topic of adoption and parenting.
This week, I feel like, the Spirit revealed to me how anxious and full of worry I am.
I am still working through this one as I have been praying and asking for a deeper awareness of this and how to let Him change me here. It is amazing how absolutely up tight and irrational I have been. I think a lot of it is a root of not trusting God FULLY. Submission vs. Surrender. Curiosity vs. Obsession.
I know that in this life, for the most part, I am not going to 'get it right' or get it together.
So, to explain better, I have noticed a well worn path of worry in my thoughts that I am going to call the worry train (started out as chain but I think train is more appropriate as it is a goober to try to stop). Here is my for example. I was reading in Matthew 6 and Jesus asks "Why worry about clothes?" Ok, so I thought about this for a minute. Clothes. Cost money that we don't have. Takes time to figure out how to buy with baby in tow. Money again. Should I be looking for a part time job? How would I do that with KO? Where would I work? and on and on switching tracks constantly from clothes to money to job and into all sorts of random things. These series of thoughts can continue on for days - distracting me from REAL LIFE. Stealing my intimacy with my family, friends and, most importantly, with the Lord. When I am aware of this train making it's way through my brain, I can feel the tension and stress in my shoulders and back. My breathing is so shallow, I have to wonder if I am breathing at all.
This realization also lead me to the fact that I am very concerned about what other's think about me and I suffer from peoplepleaseritis more than I would like to admit. This also makes for more areas for worry to creep into my life. And I am just so sick of all this worry and grief. Anxiety has clogged my life up so much lately but I am so glad that our Lord is so much bigger than all of that.
While I was reading a child's version of Psalm 23, I just broke down in tears this morning and relief swept over me. How amazing to look up from being so absolutely lost, stuck, and injured to see your Shepard standing there coming in for the rescue.
I think I will be focusing on the well-cared for birds of the air and the well-dressed flowers and know that the Lord is my provider - always has been and always will be. And I will just ask Jesus to continue to grow me through this season of life. Thank you Lord!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
There are highs and lows to parenting. But no matter what, I am so grateful to be here and to be Kadence's mom.
Infertility confronts you with a torrent of emotions. There's a loss - beyond a loss - an empty hollowness that feels like it can never be filled unless you feel a life growing inside of you. It's an ache. A pain. It needs to be grieved. Even while you are experiencing that loss, there is a loss of control you lose that you thought you had over your life. I guess that could bring us into control as an idol but that would bring me past nap time, so I will stick to my previous thoughts.
The dreams you have of parenthood are shattered. The one, two or ten babies you thought you'd carry - gone. Bitterness, rage, anger, sorrow, frustration.
I can pinpoint where it started. I see the irony but don't feel it's appropriate to display all these details on a blog. I know where my infertility started - where this barren life begin. Poor choices. Painfully poor choices.
And I am grateful. Yes, grateful. Terribly grateful. I don't deserve this life - this love of God - this grace He has given me. I don't deserve even a portion of it.
My daughter wouldn't be my daughter if I hadn't walked down this path. I may not even have the amazing husband (and his sweet family) that I have. I wouldn't have the friends that I have. I may not even know my Savior on another path. I have never been alone on this journey, Jesus was always there. Praying and interceding in my moments of bitterness, anger and sorrow. And just loving me like no one else in this world can. I can't grasp or fathom that love He has for His children. But if it's an inkling of what it's like to be Kadence's mom - it must be big and beautiful.
Infertility confronts you with a torrent of emotions. There's a loss - beyond a loss - an empty hollowness that feels like it can never be filled unless you feel a life growing inside of you. It's an ache. A pain. It needs to be grieved. Even while you are experiencing that loss, there is a loss of control you lose that you thought you had over your life. I guess that could bring us into control as an idol but that would bring me past nap time, so I will stick to my previous thoughts.
The dreams you have of parenthood are shattered. The one, two or ten babies you thought you'd carry - gone. Bitterness, rage, anger, sorrow, frustration.
I can pinpoint where it started. I see the irony but don't feel it's appropriate to display all these details on a blog. I know where my infertility started - where this barren life begin. Poor choices. Painfully poor choices.
And I am grateful. Yes, grateful. Terribly grateful. I don't deserve this life - this love of God - this grace He has given me. I don't deserve even a portion of it.
My daughter wouldn't be my daughter if I hadn't walked down this path. I may not even have the amazing husband (and his sweet family) that I have. I wouldn't have the friends that I have. I may not even know my Savior on another path. I have never been alone on this journey, Jesus was always there. Praying and interceding in my moments of bitterness, anger and sorrow. And just loving me like no one else in this world can. I can't grasp or fathom that love He has for His children. But if it's an inkling of what it's like to be Kadence's mom - it must be big and beautiful.
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