There are highs and lows to parenting. But no matter what, I am so grateful to be here and to be Kadence's mom.
Infertility confronts you with a torrent of emotions. There's a loss - beyond a loss - an empty hollowness that feels like it can never be filled unless you feel a life growing inside of you. It's an ache. A pain. It needs to be grieved. Even while you are experiencing that loss, there is a loss of control you lose that you thought you had over your life. I guess that could bring us into control as an idol but that would bring me past nap time, so I will stick to my previous thoughts.
The dreams you have of parenthood are shattered. The one, two or ten babies you thought you'd carry - gone. Bitterness, rage, anger, sorrow, frustration.
I can pinpoint where it started. I see the irony but don't feel it's appropriate to display all these details on a blog. I know where my infertility started - where this barren life begin. Poor choices. Painfully poor choices.
And I am grateful. Yes, grateful. Terribly grateful. I don't deserve this life - this love of God - this grace He has given me. I don't deserve even a portion of it.
My daughter wouldn't be my daughter if I hadn't walked down this path. I may not even have the amazing husband (and his sweet family) that I have. I wouldn't have the friends that I have. I may not even know my Savior on another path. I have never been alone on this journey, Jesus was always there. Praying and interceding in my moments of bitterness, anger and sorrow. And just loving me like no one else in this world can. I can't grasp or fathom that love He has for His children. But if it's an inkling of what it's like to be Kadence's mom - it must be big and beautiful.