Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Round 2

Last night we submitted our formal application to Bethany for our 2nd child.

For the one or two super-duper, amazing, wonderful people who may read my periodic posts, I would like to ask for your prayer and rejoicing.

In Christ,
Daniel, Vanessa and Kadence

Monday, November 14, 2011

Quick update

I don't see how people maintain their blogs daily - or even regularly. I guess if you are getting paid for it then there is incentive.

Quick update:

Kadence is 15 months. She is in the 90th percentile for both height and weight.

She amazes me everyday with what she knows. She is mimicing our words. She likes to help out with cleaning and feeding the chickens. It's the process! She enjoys music and being outside. She is one of my favorite people to spend time with during the day. And I am glad since we spend so much time together! It is a blessing, a privledge and a joy to be Kadence's mom.

The Lord has grown me in Him through parenting and through my marriage and I am grateful. It is an honor, a blessing and a joy to be Daniel's wife. But first and foremost, I am delighted and blessed to have a relationship with Jesus - to be His Beloved.

I didn't say that any of this was easy - but it helps when you work from an attitiude of graitude.

Bloom where your planted.

Rejoice in all things.

Give thanks in all things.

Monday, September 19, 2011


to be here. . . .
just thought I'd type something since it's been a while since I updated the blog. Would've typed a bit longer but I got a baby - er, toddler! - that just woke up.

Lord bless you!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Something to blog about

A little off the topic of adoption and parenting.

This week, I feel like, the Spirit revealed to me how anxious and full of worry I am.
I am still working through this one as I have been praying and asking for a deeper awareness of this and how to let Him change me here. It is amazing how absolutely up tight and irrational I have been. I think a lot of it is a root of not trusting God FULLY. Submission vs. Surrender. Curiosity vs. Obsession.

I know that in this life, for the most part, I am not going to 'get it right' or get it together.
So, to explain better, I have noticed a well worn path of worry in my thoughts that I am going to call the worry train (started out as chain but I think train is more appropriate as it is a goober to try to stop). Here is my for example. I was reading in Matthew 6 and Jesus asks "Why worry about clothes?" Ok, so I thought about this for a minute. Clothes. Cost money that we don't have. Takes time to figure out how to buy with baby in tow. Money again. Should I be looking for a part time job? How would I do that with KO? Where would I work? and on and on switching tracks constantly from clothes to money to job and into all sorts of random things. These series of thoughts can continue on for days - distracting me from REAL LIFE. Stealing my intimacy with my family, friends and, most importantly, with the Lord. When I am aware of this train making it's way through my brain, I can feel the tension and stress in my shoulders and back. My breathing is so shallow, I have to wonder if I am breathing at all.

This realization also lead me to the fact that I am very concerned about what other's think about me and I suffer from peoplepleaseritis more than I would like to admit. This also makes for more areas for worry to creep into my life. And I am just so sick of all this worry and grief. Anxiety has clogged my life up so much lately but I am so glad that our Lord is so much bigger than all of that.

While I was reading a child's version of Psalm 23, I just broke down in tears this morning and relief swept over me. How amazing to look up from being so absolutely lost, stuck, and injured to see your Shepard standing there coming in for the rescue.

I think I will be focusing on the well-cared for birds of the air and the well-dressed flowers and know that the Lord is my provider - always has been and always will be. And I will just ask Jesus to continue to grow me through this season of life. Thank you Lord!

Monday, June 13, 2011

There are highs and lows to parenting. But no matter what, I am so grateful to be here and to be Kadence's mom.
Infertility confronts you with a torrent of emotions. There's a loss - beyond a loss - an empty hollowness that feels like it can never be filled unless you feel a life growing inside of you. It's an ache. A pain. It needs to be grieved. Even while you are experiencing that loss, there is a loss of control you lose that you thought you had over your life. I guess that could bring us into control as an idol but that would bring me past nap time, so I will stick to my previous thoughts.
The dreams you have of parenthood are shattered. The one, two or ten babies you thought you'd carry - gone. Bitterness, rage, anger, sorrow, frustration.
I can pinpoint where it started. I see the irony but don't feel it's appropriate to display all these details on a blog. I know where my infertility started - where this barren life begin. Poor choices. Painfully poor choices.
And I am grateful. Yes, grateful. Terribly grateful. I don't deserve this life - this love of God - this grace He has given me. I don't deserve even a portion of it.
My daughter wouldn't be my daughter if I hadn't walked down this path. I may not even have the amazing husband (and his sweet family) that I have. I wouldn't have the friends that I have. I may not even know my Savior on another path. I have never been alone on this journey, Jesus was always there. Praying and interceding in my moments of bitterness, anger and sorrow. And just loving me like no one else in this world can. I can't grasp or fathom that love He has for His children. But if it's an inkling of what it's like to be Kadence's mom - it must be big and beautiful.

Monday, May 30, 2011

May 2011

These past few months have just been amazing as far as growth and development for Kadence.
We thought she would be crawling in April but really lost interest in moving for a few weeks - which is totally normal according to my friends/experts (other moms!). And then one day - off to the races! She is a little explorer and I am having so much fun with her at this age. I have heard from several people that it only gets better - although I am trying too hard not to dread the teenage years so soon.

It's funny, I have gone from vacuuming one or two specific areas pretty regularly to vacuuming almost the entire house daily - as she is a mover! It may sound neurotic but after finding a strange piece of fabric in her diaper - it just makes more sense to stay on top of it. Not that vacuuming everyday will prevent strange treasures in the diaper from happening but it's worth the relief is gives me. She is always going to find something that I missed. And no, I am not a dirt-a-phob or a germ-a-phob but people don't always follow our no shoe policy after walking through our yard that houses free ranging chickens (and their droppings). And it feels good to walk on a floor barefooted and not always get crunchies on the bottom of your feet. Ok, that's a little neurotic.

She has four teeth that have broken and now her 2 front teeth look like they are ready to make an appearance. Her hair is getting a little thicker and a little longer. Some mornings I get up and wonder what happened? Something changed and grew on you again last night - what was it? I still see a baby but there's this toddler that is already working her way out. It is all happening so quickly! Although four or five months ago, I would not have said that.

She is quick to smile and usually laughs pretty easily - like her daddy. She likes to talk. She loves eating chicken and fresh fruit. When I say Daddy, she looks at daddy. When I say chickens, she looks at the chickens. I swear that when she sees Doc, she says Doc (in her own language but it's very consistent). Oh, and she LOVES Savanna - the cat and has a certain noise she makes when she sees her.

I am grateful that the Lord has blessed us with our daughter. It has been quite an adjustment in my life, as I am an only child and have never had this level of attachment with anyone else. I have had close friends and I have been married for 7.5 years but waking up to something day and and day out that is completely dependent on me - it's very different. And yes, sometimes, difficult.

I am grateful to have had the experience of having to wait on the Lord for our family to grow. I am not saying that everyone doesn't wait but there is an element of control that was removed from my life with infertility. And the levels of empty that He brought me to during those waiting years really peeved me off, revealed how weak I am and how much I truly need Jesus. I am grateful because I didn't know if I would ever get to be here with my daughter. I wasn't sure that the Lord's plans for my life included parenting - even though it was something that I wanted.

Friday, April 1, 2011


Health insurance . . . Yea, you've heard this one before. . . We applied through one company, and I was asked to sign an exclusion rider for all my reproductive organs. All my plumbing. Everything! So, because I have fluid in my fallopian tubes, if any other condition arises - or testing for any condition - with my female reproductive organs - they won't cover it. Even if it has nothing to do with my hydrosalpinx, which will more than likely be the case. Phooey! And double Phooey! What is the point of insurance again? Pardon the gripe . . . but it seemed to relevant to the blog - which reminds me that His grace is sufficient even if my insurance coverage 'ain't' . . . :-P hoooey! Yay! Baby's up - time to play!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Baby update

I have been meaning to give an update but I don't know exactly what to update. I am terrible at this, especially when it's been so long. I also fail at remembering to take pictures - even when I remember to bring the camera!
Kadence Ella is about 2 weeks away from her 8 month birthday. Unbelievable!
Overall, she is a happy and content girl. She smiles and laughs quite a bit. She loves to eat - especially apples, butternut squash, sweet potato and peas. She is at the point to where she will probably be mobile (crawling) pretty soon and as excited as I am about that, I am also a bit nervous. I love being a mom. It is a hard job and quite tiring at times but I love it nonetheless.

Did I mention she is also the cutest baby in the whole wide world?

Changing the subject some . . . Recently, I was talking to a sweet lady that I have a Bible Study with about how she is a visual learner. She was talking about how Galatians 5:25, "Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit," came more to life for her when she understood what it meant to "keep in step" with the Spirit. When soldiers are marching, they are to break cadence at a bridge, otherwise "keeping in step" could cause the bridge to collapse. That breathed a whole new meaning into my daughter's name for me.
Kadence is rhythm, while Ella is light. Initially, it was a simple prayer that her walk in life would be with the Lord. 1 John 1:5 leads me to 'light', "This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all." But I had not considered at all Galatians 5:25 for 'rhythm'. So, this conversation just deepened the meaning of my daughter's name for me and the prayer I have for her.
May her cadence with the Lord be strong.

And moving onto another concern . . . Biblical parenting. I am so unprepared and inept to be a parent, let alone one who is to share their life living out the Gospel. I know that I fall and fail miserably at this daily - moment to moment even. As much as I love Kadence, I don't love her like the Lord loves her. I'd like to think that I do but I don't. Which is amazing to think about how loved I am - we all are. really.
Biblical parenting = overwhelming task
I know that I am not alone in this. I know I have a Helper. I know that He will provide - and has provided - Godly people and mentors to help guide me (us) through parenthood. But I am still nervous.

So, on we go into the adventure called parenting . . .

As far as the birth parents go, we haven't had much contact with them since Kadence was 3 months old, when we met with them at Justin and Anne's house for a few hours. Daniel has spoken with B-daddy here and there. B-daddy is out of town a lot for work, which leaves B-mommy to fend for herself, which she is good at but I don't think she prefers - especially now. I can't imagine that this has been easy for them, so I will ask for your continued prayer support for them. And if you have any ideas on how we can love on them, please feel free to share. They mean so much to us and we consider them family.