I'm a sporadic journaler. As I was looking back at an entry dated June 3, 2008 I find this...

"There are moments where I just want to stop breathing. The sadness of being barren steals the breath right out of me and I just don't want it back. What else can quench this deep desire to have my own child from my own womb? How do I seek the Lord through this? I know the Lord is the only one who can fill this hole but my anger and hurt run deep right now."

I remember a dear friend encouraging me to write down some of thoughts that were plaguing me and weighing me down, causing me to go into depression... in a later, undated entry...

"Why would he [Daniel] even want to be with me anymore? Will we stay together? Does Daniel want someone else, someone capable of getting pregnant?...
God doesn't trust me. This is hopeless.... I'm worthless."

This has been an interesting journey, looking back at these entries. All the questions that I asked the Lord and the scriptures that gave me comfort.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I even find humor of a cynic, sprinkled with some anger and harsh judgements upon people I've never met (abusive/addicted parents and people who who hurt their children) which led to more questions for the Lord that I may never have answers to. And eventually I get to praying for these people.

I even kept some song lyrics that touch my heart... "I'm not who I was when I took the first step and I'm clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet. So if all of these trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire if You want me to..." Ginny Owens

Why reminisce on the not-so-distant past? I don't know. I just felt like it. I hope you don't mind me sharing. If you made it this far, I'd guess not.

Why does this empty womb leave everything else feeling so empty sometimes?

At the expense of sounding like a whiner.... here I go....

In my flesh and in my own power, this journey seems absolutely impossible. I can't control the fact that an egg can not make it into my uterus in order for me to get pregnant (well, with the help of science, but we're just not going there). And where the heck is the money going to come from for an adoption? I currently don't have an income. The income we currently have blesses us to cover our expenses.

Does the Lord even want us to continue on this road? We haven't even gotten started and here I am... doubting. I don't want to limit the Lord but I keep limiting Him!

Here we are, with our map and ready for the journey but we're missing a lot of essentials to continue. I could really use some encouragement and prayer.
Just to lay out the basics....
Application: $250
Home study: $2000 (In order to apply for grants and assistance, the home study needs to be complete)
Consulting Agency: $2500
this website will lay out some other costs... the big costs http://christianadoption.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2009-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&updated-max=2010-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&max-results=3
In addition, we're looking at travel expenses to another state for at least 10 days.
I'm sure that there are various other expenses that will occur in this journey.

And with all those numbers, I know that the Lord is FAR bigger... that these numbers are finite to Him. But I just find myself overwhelmed and questioning, doubting... is this really going to happen? Are we going to be parents? Is this the Lord's will for us?

This is where we stand. Thank you for standing with us.

Please remember us in your prayers.

Yard Sale Anyone?

Daniel and I have been working on cleaning out our house, trying to get ready for a home study and, eventually, of course, our baby. In doing this, we have found an opportunity to have a yard sale, in the hopes to raise the money to get us started on the paperwork process. We are wanting to ask our friends if they have anything that they would be willing to contribute to a yard sale. January has already filled up for us, so we were thinking of having the yard sale towards the end of February or beginning of March. We'll share more details as they are worked out.

Please remember us in your prayers.

Prayer Request

Please pray for us as we move forward into the process of adoption.

The process, to look at it, can be overwhelming and when you add the finances into the equation, it can seem impossible.
But I know that our God is much bigger than what I see as impossible.

Please remember us in your prayers.

Thank you!

Fertility

Around October of 2007, Daniel and I begin the journey of fertility testing. At that point, we had been married for almost 4 years. All of the lab and blood tests were normal. Which pushed us, well, me, into further testing. The HSG revealed that both tubes were blocked. We were referred to a specialist, where we were given very limited options.

If the blockage was due to adhesions, a surgery could fix those and we'd be back in the road to procreation. If the blockage was a hydrosalpinges, we'd be looking at removing the tubes and pursuing test tubes babies injected into my uterus. Only a surgery would give us a better picture.

While planning for the procedure, we had to decide what to do if the doctor found a hydrosalpinges or adhesions. Adhesions, easy, remove them. Hydrosalpinges... what if they are both blocked? What if only one was blocked? Dr. Doctor pushed to remove both tubes and pursue IVF like it's a no-brainer. If we have him cut the tubes open, the rate of re-occurrence for the hydrosalpinges is so high, chances are, we'd be back to blocked tubes again. If one stays open and the other stays closed, the fluid that collects in my tubes is embryo-toxic and would cause a miscarriage.

The husband and wife team had much to talk about, much to pray about and much to research. The surgery was done in April 2008. A follow-up HSG a few weeks later revealed that the surgery was unsuccessful. We went through quite a valley, with lots of tears, and eventually pursued a second opinion with Dr. Doctor II. We had one visit with him, which was a repeat of what Dr.Doctor had said. IVF, IVF, IVF... is this some kind of conspiracy?

We researched IVF as an option. The doctor's made it sound like IVF was a cake-walk but my friends told me the truth. The blogs I read about women walking through IVF told me the truth. It's not a cake-walk. It's very difficult on a women's body, mind and spirit, which can be very damaging to a marriage and family. The finances involved are upwards from $15,000-20,000, with, for me, a 45% 'success' rate. Success only means that I'll get pregnant, NOT that I will carry to full term.

Although Daniel and I desire to have our own child, we have opted to not go through IVF. Whose to say that we won't change our minds? I don't know. We walk out infertility one day at a time, with Christ. Some days, I get that punched-in-the-gut feeling and find myself very disappointed and upset, even depressed over my empty womb. However, I am grateful for this journey that I am on. It has deepened my faith, love and trust in my Abba Father. It has deepened my relationship with my husband and taught me so much about him. I am blessed in my infertility.

As of December 2008, Daniel and I have decided to pursue adoption. This will be a slow process for us, in considering the financial aspects involved. Please be in prayer for us and our baby.