Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I'm a sporadic journaler. As I was looking back at an entry dated June 3, 2008 I find this...

"There are moments where I just want to stop breathing. The sadness of being barren steals the breath right out of me and I just don't want it back. What else can quench this deep desire to have my own child from my own womb? How do I seek the Lord through this? I know the Lord is the only one who can fill this hole but my anger and hurt run deep right now."

I remember a dear friend encouraging me to write down some of thoughts that were plaguing me and weighing me down, causing me to go into depression... in a later, undated entry...

"Why would he [Daniel] even want to be with me anymore? Will we stay together? Does Daniel want someone else, someone capable of getting pregnant?...
God doesn't trust me. This is hopeless.... I'm worthless."

This has been an interesting journey, looking back at these entries. All the questions that I asked the Lord and the scriptures that gave me comfort.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I even find humor of a cynic, sprinkled with some anger and harsh judgements upon people I've never met (abusive/addicted parents and people who who hurt their children) which led to more questions for the Lord that I may never have answers to. And eventually I get to praying for these people.

I even kept some song lyrics that touch my heart... "I'm not who I was when I took the first step and I'm clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet. So if all of these trials bring me closer to You, then I will go through the fire if You want me to..." Ginny Owens

Why reminisce on the not-so-distant past? I don't know. I just felt like it. I hope you don't mind me sharing. If you made it this far, I'd guess not.


  1. Hi Vanessa - You are a gifted writer - when you describe your experience I can feel it. Can I repeat myself and say thank you for sharing this with us? :) You are a gifted, brave woman and I feel blessed to be able to watch you walk this road. I think you are probably giving a lot of nameless people courage.

  2. Hey Sweetie I am just now reading this and you and Daniel are always in my prayers!!!!Always!!I love you both and you mean so much never forget that!!!

  3. Your journal entries brought tears to my eyes...I remember those exact feelings and loved your beautiful writings! I'm praying for you!