There are highs and lows to parenting. But no matter what, I am so grateful to be here and to be Kadence's mom.
Infertility confronts you with a torrent of emotions. There's a loss - beyond a loss - an empty hollowness that feels like it can never be filled unless you feel a life growing inside of you. It's an ache. A pain. It needs to be grieved. Even while you are experiencing that loss, there is a loss of control you lose that you thought you had over your life. I guess that could bring us into control as an idol but that would bring me past nap time, so I will stick to my previous thoughts.
The dreams you have of parenthood are shattered. The one, two or ten babies you thought you'd carry - gone. Bitterness, rage, anger, sorrow, frustration.
I can pinpoint where it started. I see the irony but don't feel it's appropriate to display all these details on a blog. I know where my infertility started - where this barren life begin. Poor choices. Painfully poor choices.
And I am grateful. Yes, grateful. Terribly grateful. I don't deserve this life - this love of God - this grace He has given me. I don't deserve even a portion of it.
My daughter wouldn't be my daughter if I hadn't walked down this path. I may not even have the amazing husband (and his sweet family) that I have. I wouldn't have the friends that I have. I may not even know my Savior on another path. I have never been alone on this journey, Jesus was always there. Praying and interceding in my moments of bitterness, anger and sorrow. And just loving me like no one else in this world can. I can't grasp or fathom that love He has for His children. But if it's an inkling of what it's like to be Kadence's mom - it must be big and beautiful.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Monday, June 13, 2011
Monday, January 5, 2009
Fertility
Around October of 2007, Daniel and I begin the journey of fertility testing. At that point, we had been married for almost 4 years. All of the lab and blood tests were normal. Which pushed us, well, me, into further testing. The HSG revealed that both tubes were blocked. We were referred to a specialist, where we were given very limited options.
If the blockage was due to adhesions, a surgery could fix those and we'd be back in the road to procreation. If the blockage was a hydrosalpinges, we'd be looking at removing the tubes and pursuing test tubes babies injected into my uterus. Only a surgery would give us a better picture.
While planning for the procedure, we had to decide what to do if the doctor found a hydrosalpinges or adhesions. Adhesions, easy, remove them. Hydrosalpinges... what if they are both blocked? What if only one was blocked? Dr. Doctor pushed to remove both tubes and pursue IVF like it's a no-brainer. If we have him cut the tubes open, the rate of re-occurrence for the hydrosalpinges is so high, chances are, we'd be back to blocked tubes again. If one stays open and the other stays closed, the fluid that collects in my tubes is embryo-toxic and would cause a miscarriage.
The husband and wife team had much to talk about, much to pray about and much to research. The surgery was done in April 2008. A follow-up HSG a few weeks later revealed that the surgery was unsuccessful. We went through quite a valley, with lots of tears, and eventually pursued a second opinion with Dr. Doctor II. We had one visit with him, which was a repeat of what Dr.Doctor had said. IVF, IVF, IVF... is this some kind of conspiracy?
We researched IVF as an option. The doctor's made it sound like IVF was a cake-walk but my friends told me the truth. The blogs I read about women walking through IVF told me the truth. It's not a cake-walk. It's very difficult on a women's body, mind and spirit, which can be very damaging to a marriage and family. The finances involved are upwards from $15,000-20,000, with, for me, a 45% 'success' rate. Success only means that I'll get pregnant, NOT that I will carry to full term.
Although Daniel and I desire to have our own child, we have opted to not go through IVF. Whose to say that we won't change our minds? I don't know. We walk out infertility one day at a time, with Christ. Some days, I get that punched-in-the-gut feeling and find myself very disappointed and upset, even depressed over my empty womb. However, I am grateful for this journey that I am on. It has deepened my faith, love and trust in my Abba Father. It has deepened my relationship with my husband and taught me so much about him. I am blessed in my infertility.
As of December 2008, Daniel and I have decided to pursue adoption. This will be a slow process for us, in considering the financial aspects involved. Please be in prayer for us and our baby.
If the blockage was due to adhesions, a surgery could fix those and we'd be back in the road to procreation. If the blockage was a hydrosalpinges, we'd be looking at removing the tubes and pursuing test tubes babies injected into my uterus. Only a surgery would give us a better picture.
While planning for the procedure, we had to decide what to do if the doctor found a hydrosalpinges or adhesions. Adhesions, easy, remove them. Hydrosalpinges... what if they are both blocked? What if only one was blocked? Dr. Doctor pushed to remove both tubes and pursue IVF like it's a no-brainer. If we have him cut the tubes open, the rate of re-occurrence for the hydrosalpinges is so high, chances are, we'd be back to blocked tubes again. If one stays open and the other stays closed, the fluid that collects in my tubes is embryo-toxic and would cause a miscarriage.
The husband and wife team had much to talk about, much to pray about and much to research. The surgery was done in April 2008. A follow-up HSG a few weeks later revealed that the surgery was unsuccessful. We went through quite a valley, with lots of tears, and eventually pursued a second opinion with Dr. Doctor II. We had one visit with him, which was a repeat of what Dr.Doctor had said. IVF, IVF, IVF... is this some kind of conspiracy?
We researched IVF as an option. The doctor's made it sound like IVF was a cake-walk but my friends told me the truth. The blogs I read about women walking through IVF told me the truth. It's not a cake-walk. It's very difficult on a women's body, mind and spirit, which can be very damaging to a marriage and family. The finances involved are upwards from $15,000-20,000, with, for me, a 45% 'success' rate. Success only means that I'll get pregnant, NOT that I will carry to full term.
Although Daniel and I desire to have our own child, we have opted to not go through IVF. Whose to say that we won't change our minds? I don't know. We walk out infertility one day at a time, with Christ. Some days, I get that punched-in-the-gut feeling and find myself very disappointed and upset, even depressed over my empty womb. However, I am grateful for this journey that I am on. It has deepened my faith, love and trust in my Abba Father. It has deepened my relationship with my husband and taught me so much about him. I am blessed in my infertility.
As of December 2008, Daniel and I have decided to pursue adoption. This will be a slow process for us, in considering the financial aspects involved. Please be in prayer for us and our baby.
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