August 1, 2010: Mixed Emotions

Well, today is our birthmother's due date.

We sit with a lot of fear and joy in front of us. It's hard to wade through all of these emotions that we are experiencing right now. Well, I guess for me it is. I shouldn't speak for Daniel.

We received the news last Tuesday that there wouldn't be a baby this week and that the midwife would be seeing the still ever-so-pregnant b-mom again this Tuesday for another exam. This brought on an interesting mix of disappointment and relief for me.

I am nervous about the job of being a birth partner. I do not want to violate her modesty, get on her nerves or get in the way of the bonding of the b-mom and b-dad. Being a part of the birth experience really makes me jittery. Although I am very honored and excited at the same time.

I am nervous that they will change their minds and decide to parent. We have become very attached to our b-mom and b-dad and to the life that is growing inside of her. We pray for them and for baby (by name) daily (and have before we met them). We have met with them weekly since May and attended birth classes with them. We have prepared our hearts and our household to receive this little girl as our daughter and it would be grievous to lose her.

I am very concerned over the grieving process for our b-mom and b-dad. Giving up (yes, i use that term with great intention) a baby is one of the biggest decisions a person or persons can make in their lives. I have probably mentioned that in this blog or with you verbally. But with her previous issues and lack of family support, I just hope that she continues to seek proper counsel. Mostly, I pray that our b-mom and b-dad would be adopted into Christ's family.

Worry if a thief. Worry is a murderer. Worry will not change the outcome of the Lord's plan for our lives - or for our children's lives.
So, I ask the Lord for His love and peace. I ask Him to be our guide as we walk through this very intense time in our lives - and that we trust in Christ.

Despite all of the nerves, fear and worry, the joy of the Lord is what keeps us going. It is ok to examine what our life would be like as parents of our baby girl during and after the 10 day rescission period. It is a gift to be excited and joyous over this event in our lives and not let the shadow of doubt and fear be cast upon these precious moments that we have. It is ok for us to have a grasp of what lies ahead if our fears come into fruition but not to dwell and live in those fears.

Please pray for all of us - baby, b-mom, b-dad, Daniel and me - over the next few weeks as we are right up to the edge of a volcano of emotions.

July 1, 2010

In case you didn't notice, the thermometer that measures our fundraising achievements at the side of the screen - our adoption account is full!
Thank you, Lord!!
And thank you to all of our friends, family and friends of our friends and family that have helped to make this possible. We trusted the Lord to provide but to know that this part is ready is such a relief.

THANK YOU!

June 18, 2010

This was the last day at work for me. I thought I would feel like a free bird but I am a little sad to say good-bye to one of the best places and best people that I have worked with and for. And I must confess I'm a little anxious about all the stuff that we have to do over the next few weeks and how things will unfold. So, I remind me myself where to put my hope. Jesus.

This is the first week that we have not met with our b-mom and b-dad, as we both had a lot of busy-ness this week. As far as I know, we are still moving forward as planned. Next week, she starts a birth class for the next four weeks. Some classes I or we may attend - depending on her comfort level. We really enjoy the time we get with them, so I'm a little sad we didn't get to be with them this week. They are very easy to be with.

My friend, Amy, is planning a 'baby warming' party to help us collect some essentials - cloth diapers/accessories, bottles, blankets, etc. All the stuff we'll need the first 3 months. A few people have asked about a shower and I think that we would prefer to do it after the 10 day waiting period is over. Keep your calendar open for July 17th, in the evening and come with a sweet tooth.

Fundraising efforts have been AMAZING! All we really need is $3,000 and that will be due at the placement ceremony, which happens a few days after our 10 day waiting period. The placement ceremonay is at Bethany and is just another party for you to come and celebrate with us. Lord willing!!

Thank you for your prayers!

June 18, 2010

June 14, 2010

This is my last week of work. The next few weeks will be spent preparing our house for a wee one. I can't imagine how upside down our lives are about to get . . . We have spent the last few years together functioning as a couple - two people. And we are far from mastering the art of that. . .
But that's the adventure in life - the journey that the Lord has us on. One great big experiment after another. And we can have fun with it and make the most of it or not. . . which is usually what kills me the most. I find that I can let worry consume me like a monster. And I have really had to lean on the Lord for my strength in this journey. I saved an e-mail that I sent to my sister-in-law that, after reading, I wanted to share with the few people who follow this little blog.

"there are no guarantees in life. we both know that. no promises of easy. although our society likes to think that if you just take this pill or press that button - it'll make things all better. adoption has really been one of those things that has taught me and reminded me over and over again that this next step is not going to be anything what you expect. I am grateful for this experience. It continues to put me in a position to trust Christ and to let go of self-reliance. Again, not anything that I will master here on earth. It is also teaching me that I can't let my emotions run (or rather ruin) me - that I have to let the Spirit work because ultimately the Lord is in control - which brings me back to trusting in Him. And it's not always easy to be obedient to something you can not see or have words to describe. So, I feel like I am being worked and strengthened in my faith through these challenges - learning who and what to run to when things get tough (Jesus, prayer, the Word . . ). Sometimes it's not about praying to change our circumstances, as it is to change our hearts or our attitudes in the circumstances. He can't grow us and conform us to His image if we are always comfortable. I know that I will need a deep abiding faith in my Heavenly Father, an unswerving trust in Jesus, an unrelenting, repenting heart that only comes from the Spirit in order to be the imperfect parent and wife that I want to be.
Yes, we know that we have the option for interim care. We know that the only thing to compare to having her taken away from us in those 10 days would be death. But there a lot of things that go into this equation - including promptings from the Spirit that are leading us down this road. We know better than to ask for an easy way out of this. Only for His will to be done and for wisdom to trust in Him. I think it would be worse to miss out on the few hours or days that we would get with her. I mean, we are going to be at the hospital, taking care of her. We want to bring her home. We want her to know us from day 1 - no matter what happens. I know that if b-mom and b-dad decide to parent, they'll be heartbroken to take her away from us. It's just difficult all around for everyone involved. Someone is going to grieve somewhere along the way. Nothing is wasted - the Lord uses everything for His glory and our growth."

So, I thank Bindi for asking the questions that prompted me to think about those things. And I am grateful for our mentors who guide us and point us back to the Peace and Truth that is in Jesus Christ. Although, I do have moments where I can fall into a pity party and lose focus of the Cross, He picks me back up and we keep moving forward on this journey together.

Thank you for being a part of this journey with us.

May's Update: You Might Want to Read This One . . . .

About mid month, we received an e-mail telling of an opportunity of a baby that had just been born. We put in a request to have our profile shown to this birth mother. She picked another family, which just meant, to us, that the Lord had another baby for us. This wasn't our child. During the conversation where our caseworker told us that this particular mother had made an alternate choice, she said something to the effect of, 'if your ears have been burning, then there's a reason. I'll be in touch.'

I quickly had forgotten about this conversation, surprisingly. I have been warned how fast things can change on the adoption path, so I just tucked into the hope that this last presentation had re-ignited and moved on.

Daniel and I were in the middle of making big decisions, like whether or not I should continue my employment with the only job that I have ever enjoyed so much. We approached this with a lot of prayer, conversation and seeking of wisdom from others. Finally, I typed up my notice and turned it in to my boss on May 24th. I thought my heart would beat right out of my chest as I handed her the envelope around 445/500pm. It was an emotional moment for us both.

After she left, it took me a moment to refocus and get back to work. When my phone rang moments later, I was going to let it go to voicemail, since that is what I typically do at work. I thought the number was from my auto insurance company since we had just changed our direct deposit.
But for some reason, I answered it. And this is the gist of the conversation:
Melinda: Hi Vanessa, this is Melinda from Bethany.
Me: Oh, hi. How are you?
Melinda: Great! I was trying to reach Daniel. Are you at home?
Me: No, I am at work.
Melinda: Still?
Me: Yes. I close this place down at 6pm.
Melinda: Well, I was hoping to get you and Daniel on a conference call tonight. Can you get a hold of him?
Me: (my heart is back to beating out of my chest, yet i am trying to maintain composure) Yea, I can try. I'll have him call you and you guys can call me. I'll keep my phone close by.
Melinda: ok, I'll look forward to hearing from you.

Ok, so I couldn't get her singing tone into that typed dialogue, but you get the gist. . .

I had to call Daniel a few times to get him to pick up. He must've thought I was psycho or close to death but I wasn't going to stop until he picked up that phone! We quickly got onto a conference call with Melinda and listened as she told us about the birth mother and birth father with whom we had been matched.

That was May 24th, when we received that call. We met with the birth mother and birth father this past Thursday, the 27th at Bethany. We talked with them for about 2 hours. Melinda, after the meeting, stated that she doesn't think that she laughed that hard in one of those meetings. So, I would like to think that it went well. We will be working on building a relationship with them, as the due date draws near. I wish I could share the details that have made this so incredible but also so scary - but there are just so many. I mean, if this continues down an adoption path the situation is almost too perfect. Maybe that's why it's so scary . . .

This side of the story makes me think - why would she have made an adoption plan? While the other side of the story says, I could see where this could really happen . . . this could be our daughter!
It's like walking a tightrope, as we continue to put our trust in our Heavenly Father and just step out. One step at a time - not focusing too hard on this side or that. . . just the Cross.

I must admit that I feel like I am trying to maintain a 'safe distance' since things can change so incredibly fast. The gift that this young woman and young man have given is beyond enormous - it is a love sacrifice. This is one of the biggest decisions that a person would have to make - to parent or to make an adoption plan.

We will be meeting with the both of them again this Thursday, the 27th. We really like them both and hope that they can become more like an extended family. Please pray for them, as he travels frequently and as she is carrying what could potentially be our baby girl. Please pray for this little one growing in her. And please pray for us.

I hope this is enough details for now. I will try and report a little more, as time allows. We do have quite a bit to do to get ready for our worlds to be turned inside out and upside down. And we're looking forward to it. . .

March 2010

Despite the changes and discomfort that the body goes through while a woman is pregnant, there seems to be a security in having a 'due date'. I am envious of that 'security' as of lately. It really seems like we're somewhere in between forever and never and it's only been four months since the paperwork was completed. Truly it's been over a year since we started this adventure in adoption.

I have recently taken up a hobby - baking. It's a little different because a good friend of mine has let me borrow her grain mill and I have purchased some grain. It takes a little extra time to get all of the ingredients together - but really, while the grain mills into flour, you can have everything pre-measured and ready to pour and double check to make sure that you don't forget anything important like flax (or yeast!). Since I don't have the fancy mixer that I want - only a hand mixer (that works wonderfully for what I need) I still have to work the dough by hand for a few minutes. After that, you have different options for the rising of the bread. You can rest if for 10 minutes and then bake it, which I haven't tried yet but I can imagine that it would make the bread denser and less enjoyable but still edible. Or you can let it rise up to three times. I usually let it rise once or twice. But it does make a slight difference in the taste in texture if you let it rise a third time. The first rise takes the longest but the subsequent risings take a little less time. Finally, you set the alarm for the bread to bake and *ding* the timer goes off and it's ready.

I truly enjoy making bread. It has made me appreciate being in the kitchen and cooking good food for my family.

Lessons learned from bread making. . .

You really can't force this process to go any faster. A lot goes into it. And I think that it is worth the work. It's way more fun with a joyful spirit.

Lessons learned from adoption adventures thus far . . .

You really can't force this process to go any faster. A lot goes into it. And I think that it is worth the work. It's way more fun with a joyful spirit

I could parallel breadmaking and adoption more. I could also parallel adoption with several other things recently but this is all the typing I want to do.

May the Lord bless you.